Sunday, March 14, 2010


"...the sacrifice of hiding in a lie... " It was my mobile ringing. I take out the mobile from its pouch. It's an unknown number. I take one glance at the old lady in front of me. She gives me a poised look. I decide to pick up the call.

Hello, I say.
I hear a giggle at the other end and instantly know who the caller is.


No, tell me.

Tomorrow is on, right?

I look at the long line of people waiting to get attended to. And I know that tomorrow wouldn't be any different.


I hear another giggle and a click. The phone goes dead. I had come to love and hate this giggle alternately for the past five years.


I didn't know u had a ride. Where are we going?

The pick was a beach 25kms from the city. So chosen because it was a weekday and it would be pretty much deserted during this time of the day. Even at this time, it took 45 minutes to get there.

The phone was ringing. Its the manager. He is definitely furious that I didn't show up for work today and that too without a word to him. As soon as the ringing stopped, I switched off my mobile.

I'm gonna love this!
She gasped as she saw the white waves striking against the rocks. Like a small kid, she ran out to the beach line and was fully drenched by a big wave. It was high-tide. She gave a shriek and began kicking at the waves.

She looks at me and starts giggling. It had been nine months since I last saw this giggling girl. I felt something pulling at my heart.

So, how u been all this along?
She asks as she bites off a piece of chicken tikka from the toothpick.

I'm good.

Hows the work?
This time, she takes a gulp from my mug of beer. She prefers to remain oblivious to the fact that two men are staring at her from a couple of tables away, them being the only other occupants at the small sea side pub attached to the resort. How much ever big the hotel might be, this was still Kerala and girls weren't a common thing in bars.

I guess its going good. I take the mug from her and finish the remaining beer. While I refill it, she takes another bite of chicken.

You are such a hypocrite. Being a Brahmin and drinking and eating chicken.

And what are u? Saint?

I immediately regretted making that comment. She was still the same, bubbly yet sharp.

Hows ur guy?

He's good. We will be together in a week.

Mmmm. I know.

U know, u still look ur miserable self. U never learnt to live life.

No. I'm really doing good. I've got a job I love. I've my own apartment. I live according to my own whims and rules.
I protested. I took a long drag from the cigarette.

Thats another thing. U always wanted to live alone na? Now u get it. U r such a wasted life.

And u are drunk.
She remains nonchalant as if she didn't hear my last comment.

Did u ever realise that I loved u once???

I decided to bluff. I knew she had feelings for me.

Like hell u didn't know. I know that u always knew it. U r such a big lying bastard. How could any girl possibly love u? No wonder she left u.

U never told me. Then why blame me?
I was losing it now.

Cos u were busy playing the Devdas and social retard!!! U r such a jerk.

At least u can be happy and relieved that u are with him and not me.

I would have been dead by now if it was u. I'm so much better off with him! He isn't afraid to love me and tell me that.

Keep ur voice low. There are people around us. And u r really drunk. We should leave now.

The best thing about now is that I'm drinking off ur wallet and I get to say things at u. I like it.
Her eyes were drooping.

U cant even manage to have a single bottle of beer!!! Does he know that u r with me...drinking?

Yeahhhh.. He knows I'm with u. Drinking, no no. He would kill me if he knew I was drinking.
She giggles again.

I signal for the waiter to collect the bill. I pull her out of the chair and we leave towards the parking lot where I left my car. The two men are still at the their table and they stare at us as we leave.

U remember that longgg conversation we had in the second year, in the deserted college auditorium??? She looks at me for a response. I nod. Well, it is by far the best conversation that I ever had with anyone in my entire life.

Should I be honoured.
I thought I would humour her.

I know u don't give a shit? How did u become such a stone-faced arrogant jerk??

Wow!!! That's a lot of adjectives thrown together.
I give her a fake smile.

See! U are still being the same. I'm sick of u!

Did u come all the way to meet me just to make me feel like a loser.

Aren't u one already??? Did I've to try hard?
It was the final blow, the sucker punch. I tapped out. We made a silent agreement to remain silent through the rest of the journey.

She had sobered up pretty well by the time we reached my apartment. She was all together a new persona now.

Make me a black tea please. A strong one.

I nodded.

She sat on the kitchen slab as I made the tea for her. I poured her a cup of the strong brew. I lighted a cigarette for myself and moved to the balcony. She followed me and leaned against me.

Stop smoking, will u?

I'm thinking about that. I'll....soon.

Come to Bangalore sometimes. He would love to see u. And me too.

Yeah, I'll try. But the thing is that I've work on Saturdays too.

Catch a flight.
I expect her to giggle again. But she doesn't.

It is nearly six. High time she left if she wanted to be home by 10. She was ready to leave.

Come to Bangalore. She says again. I simply nod in reply.

She seems a little in doubt and then she gives me peck of the cheek. We stare at each other for a moment. On an impulse, I pull her towards me and kiss her on her lips. It lasts only for a few moments. She pulls away from me and turns around. My heart is fluttering and I can feel it on my tee.

Lets leave. I'm already late.

I grab the key to car and by then she has already opened the door and is outside.

I'm sorry. I manage to say while I drive her to the bus stand. I get no reply and we ride in silence for the next five minutes.

Bye. Be safe. Call me once u reach home.

She nods and walks off towards the bus towards her home. I watch her as she climbs into the bus. I give her a final wave and she waves back. I climb into my car and starts the ignition.

Writer's Block

This is my first post in several months; to be exact, seven months since A Prelude to My Solitary Exodus.... A Solitary Exodus was all about me, the things that made and unmade me.

There comes a time in life, when u lose the very little faith that u have. I stopped blogging at A Solitary Exodus at such a time, when a multitude of reasons forced me into an exile that I thought would be a permanent one. Wiki likes to call it a Writer's Block. I guess they have a word for everything. Now, I've realised that what I actually did was to try to run away. After five years of blogging, it isn't easy. And it isnt easy to come back to something that u thought u had left for good either. Hence this new blog, BackSpace. My attempt to hit the BackSpace button in my life.

This blog is dedicated to all the people who stood with me during my exile and who really wanted me back in the blogosphere.

Thank You