Monday, January 09, 2012

Lost in 2011

A couple of weeks down the lane in the new year, and I look back at the year that was. (Or should I do a Cyrus Broacha on this and ponder on the year that wasn't?) It has been ages since I posted something in my blog and now, on an occassional log-on, I can hear it squeak and skreak as if to remind me that it was rusting among the pile of blogs in Blogger.

Everywhere the focus is on the year ahead. The new year bashes, the never-gonna-happen resolutions, your year ahead in terms of the sun, the moon, the planets, your tarrot, his parrot, the bunny's carrot!!! The only people who think that the gone-by year sells is the Visual Media people who go on bullshitting on the timelines of 2011.

Talking of timelines, even my Facebook account seems to be desperate to join the race and go for TIMELINES. Not only FB, but generally, 2011 was an year for Internet disappointments and disasters. Facebook turned out to be a "besharam" and made me feel as if I was stripping in public! Comments, likes, pokes, whatever I did was instantaneously publicized on everyone's screens!!! Add to that humiliation, everyone was going for Timeline, which, for me, was Hieroglyphics! It looked huge and clumsy. Whenever I asked someone who had undergone the makeover, I just got one reply - :this is more of a treat to the eye. This is in, dude!!" Well, I'm prefer to remain OUT! A surprisingly unexpected blow was from Google. The wanted to switch Gmail to the new look!!! The new look was yet again boring. It took longer to load, especillay on my friend's laptop, which literally pants for breath while booting on Windows 7. Google was kind enough to extend the old look Gmail to me for sometime, but at the same time threatening me that the fling was a mere temporary one and that one day, I'll have to let go of it for the better looking "sautan".

But among all the Internet disappointments, the most far reaching one was by the Official Premier League site; especially since Asianet is engaged in StarWars with ESPN! No wonder how many hits I make to this site, I still fumble to find what I need. Ealier, it was nothing fancy, but it was easy and useful. Now, with Timelines (yeah, you heard it right. Timelines are infectious and spreads through air like Swine Flu) and the new posh look, it takes forever to load. More than that, it would screw up your head before you could read a full commentary by gliding through the slides! Phew!!!

2011 was the year of Spams and Scams. Now, for the ones who are staring at the screen with raised eyebrows, wondering about the possible link between the two, let me explain. Oh no no. It has got nothing to do with Phishing ( why the hell didn't they go for the name Fishing itself, if they wanted it to sound that way!!!) or Vishing, you Smartass!!! I heard that some old guy named Anna was going on fast because some Raja,Kalmadi & Inc had scooped lakhs of crores of ruppess which should have otherwise flowed into our economy to create eight lane highways and lots and lots of KFCs, MCDonalds and CCDs. The thought about the deprived obese middle class dudes & chicks who ate fries with "diet" coke flased through my mind. I read the message in my mobile again - One miss call to this number and show your solidarity to Anna. I was suddenly filled with a sense of patriotism which usually came only while watching Lagaan, Swades or RDB. I didn't have to think twice. Lag diya call. They were courteous enough to auto-disconnect my call and send me an appreciation message for the support for the movement. I beamed with joy as if I had just delivered Independance to India. A few weeks down the lane, I started receiving all kinds of message:" Anna is fasting for you even with a 103 degree fever. Will you simply sit at our home?" it asked me. I stared at my mobile for a second. I knew i had to do it, and I did it. No no, I didn't go out on the streets shouting slogans and holding placards. I simply deleted the message and went back to watching football!!

Nothing was the same after that miss call. I began to receive a lot of spam messages day in and day out. Everyone was selling me spy cams and voice recorders and Viagra and what not! And yes, I won millions of pounds, euro and dollars in lottery. Yahoo and Google chose me as their lucky user to inherit a few millions shares and even RBI wanted me to have a share of the country's money! This, added to the already irritating calls from Airtel Digital TV and MTS made me hate my mobile. Oh yes, I almost forgot; Airtel had some issues (read as only in few selected nos) due to which I began to receive every single message 20-30 times. How sweet of them; lest some important message go unnoticed! And add to that the joy of deleting messages on a touch screen!

Finance. Why didn't my astrologer say to me that my dimes were going down the drain this year? With the Sensex starting on a high note, I didn't waste another minute and pumped all I saved into the market. Now, with the stock market at a low, my portfolio has nearly halved! Oh for all those you silly who are going to lecture me on the global market cues and the inflation, don't be an idiot. It had nothing to do with that. It was because Uranus was blocking my Venus!!!

And for all those who survived reading my blabbering till now, I really don't know how to end this post. Someone once told me the best way to stop a post is with a Full Stop! Ciao. And oh yeah, Happy New Year!!! Better late than never.