This is a re-post from my old blog a solitary exodus.
I always wanted to fall in love; not just fall in love, but wanted it to be perfect. After so many crushes, infatuations and relations, I stand here, all alone, wondering what it takes to make love perfect.
Love is a crazy world, all those roller-coaster rides of emotions, the highs and lows, the longingness, the fights. I HATE LOVE!!! It just comes to ur life when u least expect it, changes u over-night, ur world is totally different and when u begin to believe that love is perfect, it just leaves u, all bleeding from ur heart.
To begin with, u have all these expectations about ur better half. The biggest mistake in most relationships, whether love, friendship or any other kind of relationship is that u expect things. Expectations hurt!!! I wanted her to be mature, jovial, understanding, adventurous, flexible... The list was a lil' long.
Then someone, no better than the rest of the people around u, walks pasts u and does something really stupid that changes ur life forever. It could be a smile, a word, a hand, anything really silly, something that hundreds of others had done to u and u had never noticed it! She wouldn't be meeting even half of ur long list of eligibility criteria yet u forget all about ur expectations and goes out full on to woo her. Ur world shrinks to that single person. U don't have time for friends or partying anymore. U look up for all the offers available by every single mobile operator and makes ur messages and calls free 24x7. U spent ur whole day in ur room, cuddled on ur bed, whispering to the fone. U ignore the loud knocks on ur door, shout at ur friends & ask them to just go away, & that u'll have ur dinner later. U listen to songs that u could dedicate to her, write ur own love poems, for someone who never ironed his dress, u start to frantically search for the iron box, u wake up early and stay up late, u watch movies that u would have hated otherwise. The things that love can make us do!
When was the last time u went out with ur friends for a movie? It seems ages ago! But u remember all the times u went out with her, the friends who had come with her, and her friends' friends. And u have time & money to call everyone in her friends circle but then u realise that u had forgot to wish ur friend of many years on his birthday. "FUCK", that would be the automated response. But u still go on thinking that he would understand. U come to luv her perfume, asks her a thousand questions on what she likes about every single topic on this earth, u do all the crazy things u thought u would never do; anything for that one smile, one touch of hers, one kiss. U luv those lil' things she does, like pulling at that lock of hair that always falls to her face, the way she makes a face when she plays with u, the way she dress, walk, talk, laugh, cry and what not!!!
And things seems to be perfect. U go on to talk about ur future, the paint of ur future bedroom, ur honeymoon destination, all those stupid silly things that u would later attribute to immaturity. Then the questions comes:
"How much do u love me jaan?"
Like time, with no beginning and no ending. Or was it, I would stretch my hands and till they meet??
"What will u do if I die?"
My world would be torn apart. I would go mad. Don't say this jaanu, I can't even bear the thought of it.
"What if our parents don't agree?"
We will convince them baby. Is our love that weak that we can't convince our parents? After all, it's our parents na!
Then it happens. It started as a small fight over a silly thing and ends up in the breakup. The name calling starts and accusations flying all around. The usual list of addressing would be selfish, immature, egoistic, pessimist, sadist, jealous, MCP, bastard, bitch, loser.... The list is endless to no end! U go back to ur old friends who were just waiting for u. They had seen this over and over again and always knew that it was bound to happen. They ask u for the reason and u tell them, "It was suffocating. She changed a lot afterwards. We wanted to go on our separate ways. There was something missing in it. We hope being independant would help."
U forget what u saw in that person when u first met her and got together. Regardless of what happened, they are still the same person u met and have a right to their dignity.
Someone acts as the Agony-Aunt or the Agony-Uncle. They tell u, "U were not compatible yaar. It was never meant to be" U nod ur head and take another sip of ur beer and smile weakly. And u walk back to ur hostel, just like the good old days, laughing, signing, playing and suddenly u brush past a girl unknowingly. U turn ur head and say sorry and she smiles back at u.
"OMG!!! Man, she is beautiful."
Does anyone learn from his/her mistakes??? I don't think so. But life still goes on.... Vikram Kapoor had rightly said, "There is only one thing worse than not finding love; that is to find it and lose it. For it marks u for ur life..." I HATE LOVE!!!